


The Feast Of HONK

by draconicsockpuppet



Category: Dwarf Fortress, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Curses, Festivals, Fictional Religion & Theology, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:31:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicsockpuppet/pseuds/draconicsockpuppet
Summary: It was a beautiful day in the fortress. Not even a horrible goose could ruinthisparty. Right?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: Untitled Goose Exchange 2: 2 Goose 2 Furious





	The Feast Of HONK

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tuesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/gifts).

_To Do: Ruin the festival_

* * *

On the fifteenth of Granite in the three hundredth year of the Age of Hydra and Forest Titan, the dwarves of Godlybelch threw a great feast in its legendary dining hall. The hall itself was carved from limestone and engraved with symbols of peace and prosperity: mountains, gems, and mushrooms aplenty. Amidst masterwork golden statues of gods and heroes, wine and beer and rum flowed freely, and the celebrants rejoiced. It was the fiftieth anniversary of the founding of Godlybelch, and all was well.

Into this joyous scene waddled a goose.

The goose's name was Honk-Honk, and as they were the favorite companion of Duchess Libash Coppergorge, they had the run of the fortress, unlike their brethren. The dwarves of Godlybelch had had many opportunities to regret this magnanimity, for Honk-Honk was indeed the most horrible of geese. Wherever they went, they brought chaos: throwing precious steel tools into magma, destroying the manager's lists and the bookkeeper's inventories, bullying the children, stealing socks, and in general making a nuisance of themself. For years now, the duchess had responded to all complaints with laughter and merriment. As the goose had technically broken no laws and the duchess was no help whatsoever, the citizenry had for the most part given up.

Besides, on the Feast of Founding, all were welcome to the celebration. Even Honk-Honk.

From a goose-eye view, the dining hall was a disaster. All the socks were on feet, and there were far too many of those crowding the floor for even the most dextrous of geese to be able to evade all of them. There were, however, tables covered in bowls of crocodile egg stew, and the dwarves enjoying them were seated: an automatic head start.

Honk-Honk proceeded to knock over one of the long trestle tables – or try to. Unfortunately, there were too many dwarves seated around it. Honk-Honk only succeeded in rattling it enough to dump a few bowls of stew into laps. Still, that was enough to get a chase started.

As several dwarves spluttered and began to push angrily past their dancing fellows, in the process toppling the very table the goose had failed to upend, Honk-Honk nimbly fled. Above the shouting and music and stomping, the duchess's bright laughter rang out loud and clear. Honk-Honk took refuge between the golden feet of the Hideous Victory. Geese did not much care for gods, but Honk-Honk had long since learned that dwarves walked carefully around the great ring of statues on the east end of the hall. It was the perfect refuge for a horrible goose.

Indeed, the dwarves of Godlybelch all knew the tales of what happened when one disturbed a statue in a temple. Given the choice between a curse and a quick death by lava afterwards – necessary to protect the fortress from whatever hellish creature might result – and a goose, most dwarves would pick the goose.

Not so Ursas Gristlefish, an accomplished cheesemaker recently reassigned to the smelters. She had long since had it with that damned goose, and having her dinner dumped into her lap before she'd even had a chance to take a bite was the last straw. Not even the beauty of a legendary dining room could soothe her fury.

Ursas charged at Honk-Honk; Honk-Honk darted to the other side of the Hideous Victory's statue; and Ursas ran head-first into the effigy of the mysterious deity of mischief, caverns, and darkness.

Everything stopped.

The dining hall was deathly silent as eighty-three dwarves and a goose watched the great golden statue teeter. Ursas clutched at her forehead and slowly sank to her knees.

As might be expected, Honk-Honk responded to the situation by flapping their wings, honking, and giving the statue an extra push. The statue hit the floor, and the dining hall shuddered. Dust filled the hall; bits of rubble fell from the ceiling.

Success! The festival _had_ to have been ruined. Honk-Honk waited for a moment, and then another – but no. Their task remained stubbornly incomplete.

Across the room, Duchess Libash pushed through to the front of the crowd, then fell to her knees. She was one of only a few dedicated devotees of the Hideous Victory among the dwarves of Godlybelch. Was this goose a gift or a divine censure? If Honk-Honk had toppled any other statue, there would be no question. But out of all the gods, the Hideous Victory must appreciate the antics of a horrible goose.

"We have been blessed!" Libash shouted, and raised her arms in benediction. "The Hideous Victory has graced us with Their presence!"

She meant, confusion by means of a goose. But her words were understood in a different way by the dwarves around her. Over by the fallen statue, Ursas groaned and let herself slump entirely to the floor. She had attacked a deity. What terrible curse would befall her now?

In the silence following the duchess's declaration, Honk-Honk stole Ursas's pigtail cap and ran off with it. This was sufficient proof of the goose's divinity to convince most of the dwarves present, and clamoring ensued as the assembled citizenry began to argue over what this might mean for their ceremonies.

Libash went to help Ursas up.

"I don't want to die," Ursas said, her eyes glimmering with tears.

Libash patted her on the shoulder. "You know the cost of disturbing the temple. Go pull the lever in the Chamber of Repentance, as tradition demands."

Ursas bowed her head and went.

"Duchess! Duchess!" Deler Tongslaboring tugged at Libash's sleeve. "I have a wonderful idea!"

Libash squinted at him. "Oh?"

"We need a new statue!" Deler waved his arms furiously. "Of the Hideous Victory as a goose!" He began to mutter furiously and rushed off to the forges.

Libash made a note to herself to order someone to restrict the less valuable materials as soon as possible. (Alas, she failed to do so until well after Deler had already begun shaping his life's greatest work out of pig iron.)

Meanwhile, in a distant corner of the caverns, Honk-Honk nudged Ursas's pigtail cap into place atop their pile of trophies. They knew that there would be another festival in a month. There was plenty of time to plot and plan, and they'd be sure to properly ruin everyone's day _next_ time.

Honk-Honk also felt hungry, and not for grain. They eyed a passing sheep speculatively. No one would miss one or two, surely?

The sheep blood did taste delicious on their serrated tongue.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Demitas for beta reading.


End file.
